


drowning in words unsaid

by rosesforher



Category: IT (2019), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Cussing, First Kiss, Homophobic Language, Love Confessions, M/M, Mentions of homophobia, Mostly Canon Compliant, very angsty, with a dash of fluff, with a few tweaks here and there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-11-08 00:22:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20826269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosesforher/pseuds/rosesforher
Summary: *CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR IT CHAPTER TWO*TRIGGER WARNING: contains mentioning of a homophobic slur and reference to being outed.“ Eddie looks around, still searching for an unobtainable sign, and instead, by chance, he finds Richie. ”<< What if Eddie had seen Richie that day, following the events that unfolded at the arcade? And what if, twenty-seven-years later, Eddie finally finds the opportunity to tell Richie and be there for him, despite the gloomy circumstances? >>(Based around the idea that Eddie’s last words and his final conversation with Richie wasn’t actually shown.)(The title is inspired by the song, “More”, by Billy Lockett)





	drowning in words unsaid

He repeated the word to himself over and over in his head, as if somehow he was going to forget it by the time he got home.

_Placebo. Placebo. Placebo...or was it gazebo? No, it was gazebo. Right? Shit._

Thinking about that, or at least trying to, somehow seemed like a better alternative than looking down at the bold, black letters written on his cast. Anything had to be better than that.

_Gazebo. Gazebo...who the fuck calls fake fucking medicine 'gazebos' anyway? What kind of name is that? Who even decides to make fake medicine? Why the f–?"_

The familiar feeling of his breath hitching in his chest stops him completely. Now, it was the awareness of his own breathing and the additional awareness that his inhaler quite possibly had no purpose whatsoever that was making all of this even worse than before. He could feel his own heartbeat pulsing faster and faster and faster.

"Shit!" Eddie decides against his better judgement and grabs his inhaler, despite knowing what he wishes he could un-know.

His inhaler as well as every insignificant, revolting pill that he swallowed day after day was pretty much the only thing he had left. The only thing that he could rely on to calm himself down or make him feel the tiniest bit better. He couldn't rely on his friends anymore, not that he ever depended on them in an unhealthy way, but it was just something they all seemed to do without even knowing or trying. They all made him feel safe.

But they're gone, and Eddie hasn't seen let alone spoken to Bev, Bill, Stan, Mike, and Ben in months. Richie on the other hand, he had caught glimpses of him every now and again. It was normally on a day like this, when Eddie would go to the pharmacy, that he would usually pass by the arcade and glance in the window for only a second. And there, Richie would always be. Except for today though, which admittedly already made him feel a bit deflated before he even walked into the pharmacy.

Without even realising it, Eddie's breathing was somewhat normal again, and he had just been standing in the middle of a walkway this whole time, gripping onto the inhaler for no reason.

It seemed like his friends were still helping him out after all, even if it was just the thought of them.

He detours across to the nearby park, taking out his containers of medicine and laying everything out on a bench, looking for some sort of indication that maybe even just one pill has an affect that he can clearly recall. But he couldn't. He couldn't prove it either way. But he did know deep down that it made sense. And when he thought long and hard about it, there were moments in the past that didn't mean anything then, but mean everything now.

Eddie looks around, still searching for an unobtainable sign, and instead, by chance, he finds Richie.

He knows it's him. He immediately recognises that specific Hawaiian shirt and the way that his hair always has this messy-but-with-a-purpose kind of look. Even from afar, he knows. The only thing that didn't seem familiar was Richie's head in his hands. He was crying. He was genuinely upset. And Eddie had never in his life seen Richie like this.

Ever.

More than anything, Eddie wanted to leave his medication behind on the bench and just walk up to Richie, ask him what's wrong and what he can do to fix it. More than anything, Eddie wanted to tell Richie that he missed him so much, and that whatever was going on would work out soon; he would promise him that. And most of all, Eddie just wanted to hug him and for Richie to hug him back, and there didn't need to be a word between them.

But Eddie was already walking home by the time he thought about that last option, another possibility that could've been but didn't, because he was too scared.

He couldn't pinpoint what exactly it was that terrified him. He'd felt nothing but terrified for so long now for so many reasons. And between that fear, and the fear of knowing that his medications meant absolutely nothing, and the fear of not knowing if he was ever going to see his friends again, it was just too much. As soon as he felt his breath hitching once more, he was packing up his stuff and walking with a guilt-stricken cloud over his head.

He still continued to turn his attention away from the word written on his cast, maybe because it was exactly what he felt like, walking away from Richie instead of helping him: a loser.

~~~

He repeated the words to himself over and over in his head, as if somehow he was going to forget them by the time he got the chance to speak. Or, by the time he didn't ache so much that it wouldn't pain him to speak.

_Richie, I have something to tell you...No, no. I have something important to say and it's something I should've told you...fuck._

Richie doesn't even notice what Eddie surely feels is a panic written all over his face. He's too busy pressing his hands and his jacket on Eddie's gaping wound, looking back and forth between the rest of the losers and then to his own hands again.

But that made it easier in a way, easier for Eddie to say exactly what was on his mind, without becoming overwhelmed if Richie was to look him in the eyes and give Eddie his full attention.

But when he finally manages to mutter out Richie's name, it's just enough for him to hear it and immediately shift his focus in a second.

Now, Richie actually was looking right into Eddie's eyes, and suddenly, he did forget what he was going to say. It was like preparing a speech for days and forgetting to bring your notes at the last minute. Except it was a loose consciousness of thoughts regarding childhood memories that Eddie managed to think of after being impaled and barely having the strength to even form proper sentences in his own mind. So, much worse.

But he had Richie's attention now, so all he could do was say the first thing that came to his mind.

"I...I'm sorry."

Richie looks surprised, then somewhat amused, believing that Eddie was just messing with him again.

"Oh, for fucking my mom. Right.”

"No, Rich...for not t-telling you something."

The atmosphere between them changes as Richie begins to realise how serious Eddie is, all in the severity of his croaky voice that made it blatantly clear how much pain he was actually in.

"I...remembered something...it was when we were kids...and I saw you...I saw you crying..."

"...what?" Richie's voice almost cracks a little as he speaks, and it was so quiet amongst the surrounding noise that he isn't entirely sure whether he actually said anything.

"You were crying a-at the park...and I'm s-sorry I didn't say anything...I'm sorry I didn't help you..."

Even if all of this didn't make sense to Richie, and even if he didn't remember what Eddie was talking about, it didn't matter. Eddie just wanted him to know the truth about what happened that day, because he owed him that much.

Eddie knew deep down, that no matter how terrified he felt now and twenty-seven years ago, what terrified him more was dying before he got the chance to tell Richie everything, and to apologise for not being there for him when he needed someone most.

As if he finally understands, and that the thought of that specific time hurt to remember, Richie lets out a bit of a sigh and lowers his eyes away from Eddie's. After a moment, Richie's looking back at Eddie again, offering somewhat of a sincere, broken smile.

"Eddie, you have nothing to be sorry for. It's okay."

It was that kind smile, the one Eddie's only seen a couple times in his whole life, only making itself apparent during a serious, real moment between just them. The same one that spoke louder than words, always assuring Eddie that everything was going to be alright, no matter the circumstances.

Still, this wasn't enough. Eddie wanted to be there for Richie in a way that he could've been all those years ago, and it still scared him not knowing what could've possibly caused Richie that much pain.

"But...w-what happened? Is there...something I could've d-done?"

"No, I don't think so. I just..."

Richie purses his lips, carefully considering what he's about to say, appearing more hesitant than Eddie had ever seen him before.

Richie wanted to lie so badly, shrug it off, pretend it wasn't a big deal. But Eddie was genuinely concerned about him, he knew that, and he just didn't want to lie to Eddie even if that meant being honest and vulnerable in a way he never had been before. He couldn't do that to Eddie, especially not when he was like this.

"I was at the arcade, it was a fairly normal day, and I had made a new friend, Connor...he was a nice kid, but um, he was Bowers' cousin. And I...uh...I..."

Richie keeps searching for the words, biting his lip and avoiding Eddie's eyes because he could feel tears well up in his own.

Suddenly, he felt two hands hold onto his, still firmly pressing down on the wound, and Richie looked down at Eddie, feeling a genuine grin cross his face for a fleeting second as he saw an assuring grin on Eddie's.

"Henry...he called me a..." Richie tries again, biting his lip once more, tasting salt on his tongue just thinking about the word, "...he called me...a fag..."

Richie isn't surprised to see what he expected to be a stunned look on Eddie's face, and it's clear now that both of them are officially on the same page. Eddie could understand what that memory meant for Richie, not only in terms of how it would've made him feel all that time ago, but exactly how it made him feel right in this moment.

"Connor like, freaked out and got the wrong impression or whatever, so Henry got mad and I ran out of the arcade...so uh...that's–that's what happened..."

To let everything out for the very first time was freeing in a way for Richie, like some twisted form of therapy that he hated, despite not entirely hating the outcome. And out of everyone, he was glad that Eddie knew. He was certain of it that they would joke about this conversation for years to come.

Eddie on the other hand, had very different ideas about the future, not that he had really thought about it until barely a few minutes ago, and all he could think about right now anyway was Richie.

"...I'm so sorry," Eddie finally says as he holds onto Richie's hands a little tighter.

"It's fine, man, it's fine," Richie says, unconvincingly, and breaking eye contact with Eddie once again.

Eddie thinks carefully about his next words, feeling genuinely curious about something, maybe even the tiniest bit envious, but he also really didn't want Richie to believe that he was going to think of him any less if the answer was 'yes'.

"Did you...did you...like, that kid?"

Richie had come so far now, that this was almost a defining question in the midst of it all.

_I can’t lie to him, I can’t do it…and when we make it out of here, it’s gonna be alright, it has to...or maybe somehow he might just forget about this whole conversation after some medication's pumped into his system in a hospital..._

"Um...he was a nice kid, you know...but uh...maybe, but it was never a serious thing..."

"Was there ever...anybody s-serious?"

Richie looks back down at Eddie, clearly not expecting him to ask that of all things. He had this terrified _'oh, fuck'_ look on his face, which is the perfect way to summarise exactly how he felt.

Richie starts stuttering more than Bill would have at this point, desperately trying to figure out a way that he could be honest to Eddie without potentially messing up their entire relationship.

"Uh...yeah...I think..."

It was a nearly incoherent stream of words put together, but it makes enough sense to the two of them out loud.

It was also his first kind-of-lie so far. There was no 'maybe' or 'I think' necessary in answering that question. As for the real answer, he knew well enough. Even if it took twenty-seven years to make him realise that in this very instant.

Now, it was becoming clear to Eddie that there was something he needed to be honest about too, even if he was still coming to terms with it himself.

"Rich...I'm not gonna...if I don't get out of here–"

"Hey, don't say that shit, okay? You're gonna be fine."

"I know but, if...if I don't, you have to tell me this now...please...please..."

Reluctantly, Richie nods. He has no idea what Eddie is about to ask of him–or at least, the slightest but most ridiculous idea that could never happen–and he's doing everything he possibly can to push the thought of losing Eddie far out of his mind, but still, whatever it was, he would do for Eddie's sake. That's what he kept telling himself. That's how he kept opening up despite how much it hurt. That's how he managed to be honest for the most part, which he was sure to do again. It was all for Eddie.

"Okay, I will."

"Swear it?"

"Alright, I swear it."

Eddie tries to take a deep breath in, wincing a little as he does which generates some obvious concern from Richie, but it was just enough to prepare himself for the words he was about to say.

"...was it me?"

_I fucking knew you would ask that you bastard..._

And after too long of a pause not to call it an awkward moment of silence, Richie closes his eyes, inhales, and curses at Eddie in his head one more time before he gives in and remembers: It was all for Eddie.

"...yeah...yeah, Eddie, it was you..."

Richie says it in a way like it almost doesn't matter, like it didn't literally send a god-awful shiver down his spine to actually say out loud. He can't even look Eddie in the eyes after saying it either, he's too terrified.

"I...I wish I'd known, like...uh, shit..."

_What the fuck? What the fuck does that mean?_

"I have a wife now, y-you know, and I'm bleeding out like I'm at a f-fucking crime scene...but I should've–I should've told you earlier."

None of that adds up in Richie's head and Eddie's sure that whatever he managed to say made no sense whatsoever. And despite Eddie's intentions to indicate otherwise, Richie believes that the mess of words were just compensation for an awkward situation.

"Look, we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, Eddie...I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable or if I like, I don't know–"

"No, Richie! It was...you...too..."

There’s a deafening pause.

The distant yelling from the rest of the losers was becoming less of a white noise, and more of a jarring array of sound that made it hard for the both of them to think about everything that's been said. So, Richie doesn't think about it much at all, and speaks.

"...You're fucking with me?"

"What?"

"Yeah, there's no way I'm understanding what you just said correctly or you're fucking with me."

"Richie what–why would I f-fucking lie about something like that?.."

"I don't know..."

"W-well, I'm not, okay? My h-head is literally spinning right now, it's hard to breathe for m-multiple reasons, and you think I'm just gonna–just hurt you like that, as if I even have that in me, or as if I would e-ever do s-something like that to you? All I want, r-right now, is to tell you–as f-fucking awful and corny as it sounds–that I think I'm in love with you, Rich. I fucking mean it, man...and why would you ever think that I–"

_Fuck it._

Before Richie can convince himself otherwise, he instinctively leans forward and kisses Eddie.

It wasn't his first kiss, but something about it seemed similar to that specific feeling. Eddie was, however, the first person he ever truly loved. Maybe the only person.

And as for Eddie, this was the first time that he was glad Richie shut him up. Something about it also felt like a first kiss to him too, and he certainly didn't feel the same rush of emotions when he kissed Myra, that he was sure of now.

When Richie slowly begins to move away, Eddie feels himself being dragged back into the cruel reality of where he is and what's happening, as if for a moment, he had completely forgotten. And kissing Richie was painless too, like the stab wound didn't even exist for that brief period of time.

Eddie is abruptly aware now that he's said and done everything that he wanted to do, and he knows that he can't delay Richie much longer from joining everyone else and ending this for good.

"Y-you gotta go–you gotta help them..."

Eddie's voice sounds more tired and broken than ever. It wasn't just the pain that was getting worse, but the additional pain he felt knowing what was to come; knowing that this would be the last time he would ever see Richie.

"You–you can't expect me to just leave you here? Eddie, I can't. I can't do that."

"I know," Eddie tries to smile for Richie's sake, raising his hand to hold Richie's cheek, "But you have to...they n-need you, Richie."

"I need you too..." Richie would've shouted it if it didn't hurt so much to say out loud, if it didn't hurt even more to merely think about what was happening.

"...and I'll be right here...I'll wait for you..."

After every honest word that has already been said, a small lie didn't seem so bad.

"...don't fucking leave me, Eds...okay?"

Eddie tries with every bit of strength that he still has left in him to nod, and Richie begins to stand up and back away.

"...t-thank you, Rich...for everything..."

"...thank you, yourself, and you know, thanks for like, taking the edge off confessing my twenty-seven-year-old love or whatever..."

When Richie turns away, looking back to see everyone else closing in towards Pennywise, Eddie smiles for the final time.

"...and I love you, so just, don't fucking die on me, okay?"

Those are the last words Richie says before joining the losers, and the last words that Eddie ever hears.

Still, he tried to turn his attention away from the thought of death, just as he had continued to do in the minutes that are now behind him, because it deterred him away from the only thing that mattered right now, the only thing that ever mattered, and the last thing he ever wanted to think about.

He was in love with Richie Tozier. Richie Tozier was in love with him. And they were losers. They were proud of that. They always were. And now Eddie had another thing to be proud of. A part of himself to be proud of.

He hoped that Richie would find that pride in himself too.

**Author's Note:**

> “ Be who you want to be. Be proud. ”
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Please, please leave a comment to let me know what you liked and anything else because they really do mean a lot! :)


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